8 Principles of Tantrum Control to Use Now

Children ages 1-5 usually experience both the joy and fear of autonomy. They seek limits or respond to the demands beyond their capacity.   This is the message and purpose of tantrum behavior.

Tantrums test the clarity, consistency, timelines and appropriateness of caregivers responses. They also bring family tensions of alliances to the surface. Whenever possible, parents/caregivers should avoid power struggles with children. Some tips for handling tantrums include:

1. Look at the tantrum within its context: How does it begin? How does it end? Be certain there are no organic causes for the behavior.
2. Keep a diary of outbursts: time, place, duration. This will reveal any patterns to tantrum behavior and can be helpful in planning for an anticipating tantrum.
3. Remember that it is okay to be firm – a tantrum is a request for limits.       Caregivers should respond when children are beyond their capacity to deal or handle with something. “No!” is a complete sentence.
4. Children may lose control and use an audience at the same time.       “Time outs” can be used without specifying time limits. Time outs allow children to get themselves together in order to be around people again.
5. Keep expectations clear, consistent and appropriate.
6. Be aware of provocation as invitations to a power struggle.       Try to say “No, thanks” to as many of these invitations as you can.
7. Don’t discuss! Act now, talk later. Remove children from out-of-bounds activities without explanation.
8. Remember that persistence is positive; being out of control is not.       Children need to know that someone s in control, even when they are not.

Honestly, the best way to handle a tantrum is by letting the child “work it out” themselves. This is probably the only problem in life I will teach the “ignore it and it will go away” technique. It’s hard to accept, but it works. Once the child realizes that tantrum behavior doesn’t work, they will discontinue the behavior. I think one of the hardest parts of tantrums is the caregivers understanding the behavior.

For example, we had a serious all out, knock down grag out of a tantrum and how I handled it. 

My daughter asked for a cup of milk. I said sure and poured it into a cup and put the top on it. Well she flung herself on the floor and starting whaling. I believe she wanted it in a different cup. I put the cup on the table and said, “when you are ready, you can have your cup. I am leaving it here for you”, and I waked away. Less then 30 seconds later the screaming stopped. She got up and took the cup and it was over. I just taught her that she doesn’t always get exactly what she wants and also, if she wants something, she needs to tell me in words, not in tantrums. Had she asked for a different cup, I might have ablidged.